dear sweet moron, stop beating yourself up

[idiosyncreant]

I was watching more of a Korean Idol type of show about singers auditioning and competing, and feeling that weird sense of waste in my life.

I can sing--but I don't have that kind of determination, I kept thinking. I could never shine on stage that way...

I spent as much time singing as I did writing until I was 18, and so my life that now mostly leaves that by the wayside is weird to me. I adore stories about people in the arts, but there's always this sense of "if only..."

IDIOT.
Baaaaka.
I am completely that shameless and determined and obsessed with improving--but with writing. Sure it's not something that shows up nice on a TV screen, but then...I never wanted to be on TV.

I'm hoping that realization sticks this time around.

I also hope I find an outlet to sing before too long, because I really do like to do it, but I need a *reason*.