The Carnie's Conspiracy ~ beta request

[idiosyncreant]

gjules  did a brilliant initial critique for me. I think I need to work on some of the elements a little bit more, but I am ready for some other viewpoints.

The Carnie's Conspiracy, Second Draft!
Anyone interested?

Here's some more about it:

 

Molly and her little brother have run away from the circus. Though using her fortune-teller props gets them as much money as they need, grocery shopping has become a problem. All the “Sucker” adults want to put them in an orphanage.

Molly decides to try a con. She researches “unrespectable” men, and decided to blackmail one into taking care of them. Far from being taken in, Mr. Poisson recognizes a kindred spirit. While posing as a mere rake, he is trying to create sympathy for the banished Anne of Dunder, the rightful queen. He thinks he can use a girl with a gift for acting.

Then Mr. Poisson's game is betrayed. Molly is presented with a challenge—orchestrating a final appearance where Mr. Poisson can rouse support for the rightful queen and then disappear.

She's no magician, but she's determined to put on a good show.

And the opening:

 

Silas Poisson was the most dangerous man in Muldable City. Adult people did not think his wardrobe full of magenta clothes was amusing. It made the (reputed) blood on his hands into a lolly-colored joke. Why couldn't he wear black, like any other self-respecting villain? Even red was more serious.

Poisson was not actually a self-respecting villain. He did not consider himself a villain at all, and self-respect was for the boring. Like his arch-nemesis, Alan Birch, librarian and treasurer to the Friends of the Library Association. They were always very polite to each other. One day Poisson went to return a book—he'd come to regard as quite his own, until, with a nasty shock, he discovered a library stamp in the front. When Mr. Birch calculated the late fee, Poisson was grieved and appalled. Getting out his little book of cheques, he offered an advance on the next time.

“Mr. Poisson,” the librarian said, “we at the city library desire to believe in the best in humanity. I just have to hope you will remember to return—” glancing at the book under Poisson's arm, “'Deaths of the Eminent: case study in fame homicide' within the month.”

Poisson smiled, tilting his head in a gesture of apology, and write the cheque out for the large sum on Mr. Birch's receipt, but no more.

Anyone observing may have admired how the mild-mannered librarian, young and pale behind his glasses, stood up him. The dark and impressive man had a (reputed) history of infamous if not famous homicide. Perhaps Alan's belief in the best in humanity really included Poisson. Perhaps it was just hard to take a man seriously when he wore candy-cane striped pajamas to the city library.

#

Two children squatted in a dirty corner of Muldable, oblivious to the fact that there was such a person as the infamous Mr. Poisson. They were new to town (as usual), being circus children. They were going to stay, though (unusual), because their Da had died in the winter and they had finally decided to run away from the circus.

They hadn't worried about taking care of themselves, since their acts had been mostly panhandling, and (under the Circus Master who “adopted” them) pickpocketing. Then they had discovered nice little boys and girls didn't do their own shopping in Muldable. When the circus was in town, the strange was to be expected, but otherwise.... They had frequented one nice man's store at first, only to discover how eager Suckers were to put them into an orphanage.

Molly and Sheridan had no last name, but were called Carnie as if it were one. While Poisson checked out the book “Deaths of the Eminent”, they were scheming to leave even that name behind—at least, until they were old enough to pick their own acts.

Actually, Molly was scheming. Sheridan was playing pretend. Molly was almost seven years older than him (though she didn’t look it, inheriting her mother's main feature). Sheridan's mum was different and had fallen out of love with the circus as quickly as he fell out of love with each idea as a new one came.

“No, Sherry-boy,” Molly said, trying to be kind to a hungry kid, though she was getting impatient. “We can't just perform for more money. I have a little money, lack of money is not always the problem.” (She was ahead of their old Circus Master, here.) “We have to set up a real con. Like the great Ballisto, creating a whole play with people who didn't know an act was going on.”

“Wow. To win a whole house and money?”

“No. Only sorta like that. We need to be adopted.”

“But Master Allister already did that,” Sheridan pointed out.

Molly sighed. He was trying to contribute, but his skepticism of her plans was much more annoying than his quips on Suckers.

“No, that was his con,” she explained. “He was really working us as slaves. We want to find someone who won't do that. We'll make them believe...we need help by them personally.” Sherry was too young to get most of adult stuff that went on—she didn't want to try to explain. “So we need to pretend to be Suckers.”

“Like Sparkle Sam?”

Sparkle Sam chatted up Suckers in the patchy acts to keep them interested—or around long enough to be plucked by one of the kids.

“Only, for a long time.”

“I'd rather go somewhere else,” Sheridan said, groaning.

“But then we have to walk and walk.”

They'd done a lot that, after they'd run away.

“I did not say that was a good plan, Mallory,” he said with dignity. “I only said I'd rather.”

The boy was funny. And it wasn't his fault it was hard to get your mind around the con life. She only knew about it from when he was still little, and Step-mum Rinda had been trying to scheme up some way to come into money so Da could do acts like he wanted but stay with her in one place, like she wanted. For a while Da had lived in a little city inland, doing scut-labor. Cons were all anyone had heard about in their house.

“My best idea is to find a man who won't know we aren't really his...relatives and wants to not look bad.”

“By letting us live with him?”

“Or maybe give us an allowance or something.”

“Who?”

“Someone infamous. We'll go ask the pigeons.”

Now the pigeons of Muldable weren't special (though the crows are) but that's not what Molly meant.

 

Comments

[fabricalchemist.livejournal.com]

I'll give it a shot if you like, but keep in mind I'm all hopped up on Dorothy Dunnett. Do you have a deadline you want it critiqued by?

[idiosyncreant.livejournal.com]

I don't have a deadline, except that I want to start sending this out to agents. The usual. ^_^

If right now isn't the best time, you can tell me when you'll have more time, or whatever. It's a short book, though, and definitely won't be trying to compete with Dunnett at all. It may make a nice contrast in your reading pile, heh.

[fabricalchemist.livejournal.com]

I can try to get through it after the show opening this week.

[idiosyncreant.livejournal.com]

I'll send it, you can read when you can. ^_^

[purdypirate.livejournal.com]

I'll read it, Idk if I'm very good at reviewing but I'm always up for a good story :) I'll give my honest opinions if ya like.

[idiosyncreant.livejournal.com]

Okay. ^_^ Sounds good!

Do you want me to e-mail it to you or get you a paper copy? I can do either. And either way, I'll need your info.

bethany @ bethanypowell. com (remove the spaces, of course) to send that information to me.

It was fun having you there yesterday! Quite a turnout, which isn't so common, but it was fun.